Tips for a more peaceful life

Do you ever feel like there's a revolving door to your office with one, never-ending request: Can you fix this problem for me?

Bringing up difficult topics often makes others defensive, especially when we’re asking them to acknowledge negative behavior or change in some way.

It seems reasonable. It's quick and easy. "Let's make a deal," you think, "we'll do a little give and take. We'll COMPROMISE!" And, in fact, it can be a wonderful way to get things resolved quickly when there's a time crunch and the outcome is only moderately important. On the other hand, if compromise is always the way you are resolving conflicts at work or at home you might start to feel some resentment.

I hate that question...a long marriage could mean years of misery. I appreciate that relationships take work and that means a commitment by both partners to stick it out when the going gets tough. But I don’t want an award for years of service--I want a relationship that is satisfying, fulfilling, contented, connected.

Most of us start out helping others because we care. We often try to help because we love the person and don’t want to see them struggling or hurting. Unfortunately, helping doesn’t alway work.

Many of us find it hard to let go of conflict situations. We go over and over in our minds how we felt, what we said, what the other person said, what we didn’t say and wish we had, what the other person didn’t do... and on and on and on. Rumination is tied to a sense of loss.

By now everyone has probably heard the tale of the frog placed in the pot of water and set on the stove. Gradually the heat is turned up. The frog makes no attempt to get out of the pot. Because the temperature increases gradually, the frog doesn’t notice and thinks it is normal.

A line in an old country song goes, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” If you don’t know what your values are, you’re likely to give in to the whims of those around you instead of living the life you really want. 

When we are struggling in a relationship, kindness may be the last thing on our mind. Anger, frustration, even sadness may block our ability to access good feelings about our partner. Yet, without feelings of loving kindness toward our partner, we decrease our incentive and ability to work through difficult issues.

This quote really struck me, “Throughout years of my marriage I hesitated to speak my truth. While my intentions were honorable -- I wanted to keep the peace, I didn't want to introduce conflict, I was trying so hard to be a ‘good wife’.... By hiding my truth, trying to ignore hurt feelings, ‘sucking it up,’ I was doing myself and my ex-husband a great disservice.”

Having mediating more than a thousand couples as they were divorcing, I’ve learned that nothing gets in the way of a good relationship or the ability to make progress through conflict more than righteousness. Righteousness is more than believing you are right. It is believing you are morally justified in your actions.

Many of us had shaming or even frightening experiences around our emotions as children. Perhaps when we cried other children, even our siblings, made fun of us or beat us up. Maybe our anger was met with punishment as we were made to sit in the corner or go to our rooms so the rest of the family wasn’t subjected to our “outbursts.” Or, we may have been told to stop embarrassing our parents by acting out our feelings in public.

In our fast-paced, multi-tasking world we might act like we’re listening, but are we really hearing what the other person is saying? Here are three quick tips to improve your listening and deepen your relationships with others.

Destructive conflict often sends people spiraling downward in a negative cycle of me versus you. This creation of “other” is the basis of conflict escalation which allows one person or group to dehumanize the other which makes it “okay” to perpetrate everything from indignities to violence. Why does this happen?

The "Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement" dubbed a BATNA by authors Fisher & Ury.  Why do you need one? If you are preparing to negotiate and you don’t know your alternatives you are more likely to agree to something you could regret.

Most of us have been in a situation with a particularly difficult, frustrating person and found ourselves telling a friend, co-worker, or family member all about this jerk! How miserable they make our life, how if they would only change or go away, life would be better.

recently read an article about a survey conducted by an international consulting firm that concluded 85% of workers had experienced conflict on the job. My immediate response was that the other 15% were either in denial or had just been hired. I say this because if you are human, you will experience conflict. There is no getting around it.

When conflict hits it can feel like a crisis urging us to act quickly. That makes sense because adrenaline and other stress hormones flood our body and brain preparing us to take flight or fight. This can lead to heroic acts like lifting a car off a trapped person, but in our daily lives it more often leads to a panic to action that causes all kinds of bad decisions and outcomes.

I just returned from presenting "Mediation Mastery" at the Academy for Professional Family Mediators international conference in Denver, Colorado. The focus of the presentation was the importance of reflective practice--taking time while mediating and especially after to consider the positive and potentially negative impact of our presence and interventions for our clients.

Boundaries are an important element of any relationship. When we know ourselves, we feel comfortable letting others know what we will and won't put up with. It's not something we have to announce loudly. It is just something that we honor internally and state as fact or act upon when needed.

As an excellent conflict responder (mediator, human resource professional, mental health counselor, attorney, etc.), you are always operating on two levels of awareness. You are aware of what is happening in your environment and you are aware of what is happening inside yourself.

When thinking about resolving conflict, it is important to take into consideration the physical space. Subtle things like furniture arrangement and the color of walls can impact on the successful outcome of a conflict situation.

Last year I set a New Year’s resolution to try something new each month. My first experience was to climb a rock wall. A close, childhood friend, Jude, agreed to share the adventure. Two things surprised me: the amount of trust I had to have in my climbing partner (a.k.a. Belay) and my physical response to the fear of falling from the wall.